Maybe it’s because the 2 glasses of wine and 4 pieces of pizza (Don’t you fucking judge me) have put me into a slight coma but this movie was just one long explosion with varying degrees of metal parts, dumb script lines, and one sincerely annoying female character. Not even Marky Mark, in all his cuteness, could save this vapid ass-hat of a movie.
Seriously…so fucking dumb. And this coming from a child of the 80s who loves the Transformers. It was cliche’ on top of trope on top of overdone CGI…for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I know, right? How can you stretch this story that long? The best part of the movie is the dinosaur transformers and they don’t even show up until the last 15 minutes. Here’s the coolest part of the movie: Optimus Prime riding a robot T-rex with a giant battle sword. Agreeably, that is pretty awesome. However, it a brief shining moment in a vast landscape of shit.
Just a couple highlights, because wine makes me tired and I don’t have the energy to bullet point all the crap:
First, there are really only 3 female characters in this movie:
1. the daughter….she looks like a cross between Tara Reid and every extra from a country music video and she spends most of the time with a vague look on her face and her mouth hanging open. They totally over work the whole daddy-daughter rebellion thing and she just comes off looking like a petulant air head. And she does the usual run-fall-down-I-can’t-do-anything kind of role here….just filler.
2. the Asian businesswoman….trope alert! OMFG…they didn’t even try here. Hhhhmmm, let’s see…we’ll make her Asian, so she’ll be a badass kung-fu-fighting, motorcycle-driving, deal-closing businesswoman in a tight suit. Honestly…she was made up of cliches like DNA. But she’s not the only one….of course every random person on the street in Hong Kong is a Karate master, even the random dude in the elevator.
3. the archeologist….I don’t even know if that’s what she was, that’s how little her character is developed. Total meaningless character that contributes nothing to the story/plot/movie.
Even the transformers themselves are stereotypes: there’s the big Rambo-esque military dude, voiced by John Goodman, who could pretty much just yell “Merica!” And then there is the samurai robot with his wise words of sage advise. Oye.
Oh, and of course they set it up for another damn sequel because now Megatron has been ‘reborn’. Hooray.
I can’t even tell you what the real plot of the movie is other than this: bad guy alien dude fighting the good guys alien dudes, humans messing things up and getting caught in the cross fire, robots fighting and lots and lots and lots of things blowing up.
And it has the obligatory Optimus Prime monologue at the end…an overly serious giant robot telling the humans to look to the skies and pick out a star (apparently any star will work, you know, just find one that you like) and think of that one as his soul. The only good news about that speech was that it signaled the end of this movie.